Love is not a Feeling!

Modern romance culture has sold us a lie: that love is something that happens to you. It arrives like a feeling, and when it leaves, you're off the hook. But the Bible tells a radically different story.

In this episode of The Truth Unpacked, we sit inside three texts that reframe everything. Ruth's loyalty to Naomi in the middle of grief — not romance, but hesed, the Hebrew word for covenant faithfulness. The Song of Solomon, which doesn't abolish desire but anchors it inside commitment. And Paul's famous words in 1 Corinthians 13, written not for a wedding, but for a church that was furious at itself.

What we find isn't a more demanding version of love. It's a more liberating one. Because if love is a choice, then no feeling can take it from you.

This episode won't tie it with a bow. But it will sit with you inside the tension — and remind you that you're not alone there.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

I want to start this podcast by sharing a confession. For the first five years of my marriage, I was miserable. Yes, you heard that right. Not completely miserable, but the whole reason why I was miserable is because of what society tells me that love's supposed to be. The funny thing about it, you were not believers. But when I was going to do my wedding, the song that really came to my heart for me to sing was Love by Kirk Franklin. The one that says love or where that comes and goes, but few people really know what it really I can't sing what it really means to love. Somehow God placed that on my heart. And I didn't know at the time that when I was walking up to my wedding, was a whole clue that God was giving me for what I was about to go through in my wedding. So for the first five years, it was difficult, it was a struggle because I was trying to get from my husband what I thought he's supposed to give to me as love. And so it was just a whole miserable thing, and you know, the desire to just be divorced, to quit, leave this thing because this is not what society says love is. That's something that we have to be mindful of because if you are a child of God, you really cannot be, you know, um letting your mind be accepted by just the things that is in the world, because the Bible told us that we must conform, not conform to the word, but be renewed by the word of God. So that means we have to continue changing the way we think. And boy, let me tell you, I had to change the way I think about marriage.

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Woo!

SPEAKER_00 2:14

Like a whole 360 degree about what marriage is, and so today that's what I want to unpack with you today. This simple clue, this simple message, love is not a feeling, so don't go away. Welcome, I'm Sarita Carminton, and I'm so glad you come with me to the truth unpacked. As we look into this whole episode of what genuine love is, what biblical love is, your mind is going to be blown because I know that even while you're listening to this, you already formed your opinion. That's good. There's nothing wrong with that. I just want to put a little declaimer here right at the beginning of episode. I am not telling you to stay married to a toxic, um, you know, dangerous marriage. I am not telling you to stay in any relationship and put your life in harm. But what I want you to do is re-examine or change the way you think about love. Because the way God teaches to love is really the perfect love, it's the way He wants us to not just love and hurt, but a continual way in that He also wants us to love in heaven. And so, as we talk about this episode, love is not a feeling. The biggest problem that we have is that modern Roman culture tells us that love is something that happened to us, it arrives, it leaves, and when it's gone, then we are obsolete. Keep that in mind, and let me ask you this question. If this was what love is, there's something that comes and something goes, what all anything together when that feelings leave? How do we what do we do after it becomes obsolete? And so we are going to unpack that today. I want us to unpack what love is. We are going to look at real love, genuine love, and hold up, there is so many different forms of love according to the scripture. The love that I am talking about here is the one that God wants us to have in relationship. Yes, there is various forms of love, but when it comes to relationship, we are so captivated about how we feel. You know, those romance movies where the guy meets the girl and they fall in love out of her saying, first come love, then come marriage, then come baby in the baby carriage. All of these things are the way society tell us that love is. But if you are ready to have your mind expand and open, especially if you're in a relationship right now where you're struggling, understanding what love really is, is what you need to get you to it. I promise you that if you seek to understand the genuine and real love, it will help you to even the most difficult relationship. And so that's what we are going to unpack today. As we seek to unpack what love is, we are going to use the scripture. Yes, the scripture. This is not about my opinion, this is about the word of God, and the scripture that we're going to use to examine today is 1 Corinthians 13, verses 4 to 7. Now, this whole 1 Corinthians 13 is like a whole handbook of what love is, but sometimes we ignore it, you know. Sometimes we are like, is that really what we want to do? Is that really what love is supposed to be in the mother in turn? But let's pause, and I don't matter where you are listening right now. I want you to read along with me the scripture. Let us read it together from the New Living's Translation. It says, Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It's not irritable. It keeps no record of being wrong. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoice whenever the truth wins out. Love never give up. Never lose faith. It's always hopeful and endure in every circumstance. If you are like me, you probably have heard the scripture before. You probably have heard it at wedding, you probably have proof it before, you probably have heard its peach before. But the thing with this is that 1 Corinthians 13 is famously misread misread wedding. If we think about the words that connect to that scripture, and you think about wedding, you wonder, whoa, whoa, whoa, where is a vacuum? But unpack the scripture with me today. If you're willing, it's going to be a beautiful lesson. Let's look at the first part of a scripture. Let's go back a little bit and look at the first part of a scripture. Alright? It says love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, boastful, all proud. Now, five kind of cutoff right there. You know, where we jump over to say all rude. But let's look at just verses four only. Let's unpack that together. What do you get from that verse? Yes, it's simple. There is no need for us to, what could I say? You know, there is no need for us to try to interpret because this is so simple. Explanation. The first verse, if you are going to get married, the first verse tells you it's patient and kind. And it's not jealous or boastful. But let's look at that for a second. Have you ever realized how much society puts on people showing real love by how jealous they are? You know, I used to, when I was young, believe if my friend, my boyfriend is jealous over me because he loves me. But that's not true. Because if you think about when someone is jealous, if my boyfriend is jealous because he sees me talking to another person, then he doesn't have my best interest at heart. Why, if you love me, why you are going to be jealous over me doing something that I like to do? And so I think that there's also a lot of trust issue involved. But love is not jealous, it's not proud or boastful. Let's look at the next part of that verse that tells us what love is. The big one is that it's not boastful proud. Uh what the most important one is that love is patient. Patient means waiting. I know that there is a lot of impatience in relationships today. I was watching this movie the other day, you know, and I thought about it. So the girl and the boys getting together, they like each other, and they are just getting a little bit too close and touchy together, right? But the guy was honorable, he was a believer, and some, so he tried to make sure there's always a distance between them. Though the girl was also a believer, she just did not have the kind of maturity that he has, and that's really what mattered when it comes to the word of God. How mature you are in God's words, because you are gonna go back and you're gonna read again, and you're going to realize that you didn't truly understand what the scriptures say, right? But he did everything honorable, he stayed part and he said, I want to wait until I get married. That's a big thing. Love is patient. Many times people say they love us, but they want to try the food before they can do that, right? But if we wait to really wait on another person to get to the place where we are sure that this is the person God wants us to commit to, we would not have so many divorces in churches if we wait on God. Wait before we says, I do wait before we jump in. But because love is patient, it doesn't rush you into doing something that you don't want to do. That brings me to the second examination of the verse where it says that love is not rude. It says love is not rude. This is like down at the next border for scripture, the same verse right there in verses four to five. But right at five, it says all rude, it does not demand its own way, it's not irritable. But the big thing about this verse, it reminds me a lot about what we are today. In this current world, everything we see is like a transaction. Yes, a transactional love. You scratch my back and I scratch yours. A lot of love today is based on transaction. If you give your love to me, I give your love. But the word says love is not self-seeking, so you should not be saying you love somebody, but you seek for what they are doing to you, or you expect something back. You know, a lot of times I've seen, you know, where people will say, um, I love you, right? But at the same time, they would be like, if you do such and such, my love grows for you. Or if you change, my love will be different for you. Love is not a transaction, it's not a give and take. Think about how God loved us. If love were just about a transaction, then God would be the one who is saying that if you the things you do is what make me love you. Then think about all the things I see in your life. But today in modern society, we see a lot of that. A lot of love and relationship is based on transaction. Even in olden days, we hear of people being married by passing on funding, exchange and funding, and so forth. Come on now. We have to really understand it's not about I scratch your back and you scratch mine. That is not biblical love. Biblical love says I give to you, you don't expect anything back. That's the kind of love that the Bible is saying here. It says it's not self-seeking, it does not demand its own way, and so and the most important thing is it does not keep record of wrong. That's the kind of love God wants us to. That big part there where it doesn't keep record of wrong, is where a lot of us fail. We have unforgiveness that builds into good, right? And because somebody did something to you a couple of years ago, you still hold on to that. Is that what God really asking us to do? Is that the type of love that He wants us to do? Let's look at that verse, moving down to verse 6. Let's keep examining what the Bible says. It says here, it does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoice whenever the truth wins out. That's a big one. The way our things are operating right now in America, you have to ask yourself, is love there? Many people are trying to say, love your neighbor as yourself, right? But the truth is, where ain't it, where injustice is, there is no love. Love does not go out and lead to injustice. Love seeks to make everyone feel the same kind of justice. Now, before we move to the next verse of love, where is verse 7? I want to skip a scripture a little bit and show you what kind of love is true, what words is love, and we're going to look at another scripture. This is Rue chapter 1, verse 16. And here is what that says in the New Living's translation. But root reply, don't ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go. Wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. That's real love. Yes, that's covenant love. Now, you may say, well, that's not between husband and wife, it's not a relationship, but remember, we're talking about relationship. It's not just about spouses and you know, a male and female, it's also about relationship in overall, all our life, because all our relationships demand love, and how we operate, how we understand what love is. When we look at this verse in root, root in this verse, it shows exactly what real love is, and the big word that that word reveal is commitment. Many times we don't understand that commitment is a big part of every love. Commitment, not to be committed to hurt somebody, but to be committed to caring for someone, be committed to to share in love, even you know, between parents, you will say someone said, I'm not going to love this person anymore because of what they do. My family being through a couple of things where people just do things that we feel is unforgivable, you know. And I have to learn to forgive them because I made a commitment, not just to, you know, my family, but to God. And that part right here, the biggest commitment is what really matters is the commitment that we make to God. Let's go back and look at marriage for a little bit. For those of us who are believers and we are married in church, many of us make a hope to God. Yes, you make a vow. When you make that vow, it was under God. You promise to love that person, right? Whether it's you love that person in the good times and in the bad, in sickness and in else, and so forth. I have never heard a vow when we promise to love that person while they still look good. I promise to love that person if they treat me good. I promise to love that person if they love me back. That's the big one right here. It didn't matter to root whether her mother-in-law loved her or not. All that matters is that she was committed to stay with her, to continue that relationship, because her love was not based on what we call it, a feeling. Yes, commitment here is mostly to God. We say we love God, we are committed to him. We love the Lord, but we have never seen him. We talk to him, we have a relationship with him, yet we find it so hard to be committed to the people that we talk to every day. What God is essentially saying is that my love is a covenant. When you make a covenant or a vow under God, you have to keep it. Yes, you said you're gonna love that person in sickness and out till get your spot. Even when we change up the vowel, many people today, mother and vow, everybody is citing their own vow because they don't want to make that promise to God. But even when you use your own words, you are making that promise to that person. But what happens when you don't feel like it anymore? That same vow you made was to that person. It's a hold you take. Whether it's in a church or not, you make a commitment to that person, to be with that person, right? Now, when we think of other type of love, it's not a commitment anymore. It's you can't make a commitment to a total stranger, but yeah, God is telling us to love us. That's where covenant comes in. A covenant to love covers all of this. But but before we really get into all of that, I want to jump over into the next part of the scripture where we can look at. When we looked at where it says um in this text is that both of these texts or all three of these texts tell you that feeling is not something you feel, it's something you do. So it's a covenant. What does covenant mean? I want you to think about Jesus um when he made a covenant. The covenant that God made to all these different people is lasting. The covenant is lasting, it's not partial, it's not temporary, it's permanent. Only the person who made the covenant can even break it. But no one should ever try to make coven break a covenant. So God made a covenant with Moses, then he made it with Noah, he made a covenant with Abraham and so forth. But Jesus came and he made a new covenant right there when he sit down at the last supper with his disciples. What did Jesus say? It said his blood is the New Testament, a new covenant. So now we are living in a different form of time where Jesus, our ultimate reason to love in a covenantal way. That's the love that Jesus is asking us to love. When he said, love God and love others and love ourselves, it's covenantal. Most of a time when God is asking you to love is based on a covenant that you made, not with the people. So if you think about it, when you choose to follow Christ, you are saying that I am committed to follow you. I'm committed to love you, I'm committed to do everything that you tell me to do, right? If you are committed to do that, then you are supposed to love in the way that he tells you to love. Think about that for a second. But I want to pause for a minute to share something with you in my marriage where I get to understand that love is not a feeling, it's a covenant. First, I went to a season where I remember my oath, because I made the regular old-fashioned oath in the church, you know, to love this man, to cherish him in sickness and death until that doors apart, right? I thought about that I made that oath with God. But when that season of roughness in my marriage, I was like, I'm ready to leave. And then I start remembering, but I made a hope to God. But the way our society speaks to me, it says, but God loves you. Yeah. God doesn't want you to be in this kind of relationship, He doesn't want you to be in an unhappy relationship. Relationship. And I think I've shared this before. Then I went through the process of deciding that God wants me to get a divorce. So I began the process to get a divorce. And like I shared before, right at the beginning of that email editor, God gave me his word. He said, Your marriage is not for your happiness. I will never forget that. He said, it's for you to honor me. And so I had to renew my mind in the word of God. And I start trying to understand what God is saying to me. Is that it wasn't based on a feeling, it's a covenant that I made with Him. That's what most relationships would be like. And I mean literally all relationships, not just marriage. If you want to be a representative of God unhurt, your love for each other should be covenantal, unconditional. God doesn't stop loving us when we messed up. He doesn't expect anything back when he gives to us. That's real, genuine biblical love. Like root. Stay with you. Even when you don't do what I want you to do. But back to me. I had to go through that. First, I went through the season of understanding that my marriage was not my happiness. And then I start praying for my husband, and I start seeing things that I didn't even think he had been holding on to. So the next season of my marriage was to leave my husband to God. I start focusing on me, my ministry, and my relationship with God. In that season, God starts healing me. He starts opening my eyes to what love is. And he starts showing me if I can get over to the trial of loving someone even when I don't like them, loving someone even when I don't feel like it, my character grow and I become a better person. I started to see my marriage, like what Paul says, a thorn in my side. But God won't let me leave it. He said, My grace is sufficient for you. So I start a next season for me was I start to see God as my husband, the one who I come to in all things. And let me tell you, woo, that was an amazing season. It turned out to be supernatural. Breakthrough. When I tell you that God truly shows me what love is, I had to understand that not only was I have to truly surrender to what God is teaching me about love, but I had to let go of myself. And in the process of focusing, and God, God healed me, he strengthened me. And I start seeing my husband chew a new light. I start seeing where the enemy was using him to be an attack on me. So my prior starts changing. When I tell you that God shows up for me, not just because I trust him, but because I was willing to stay and not leave. You see, come on now. Quitting is so easy. I know divorce is not easy, but getting out of that marriage can be seemed like the greatest blessing. But sometimes God placed you there for you to learn some things. The things that I learned in my marriage, I strengthened my relationship with my ministry. Oh, thank you, Holy Spirit. Once I learn to love in a place where I did not feel love, it becomes easy for me to love people out there. And my love changed. The way I love moved from feeling like society expects to covenanter. Yes. It was a beautiful thing. Now I love, not expecting anything back. It took me a while to reach there, but God was shaping me, He was teaching me, and God is going to shape you and teach you to if you were willing to hold on and see exactly what He is showing you to. Love is not a feel, it's a covenant. And God wants you to see that. When love is a choice, then no one is unlucky in love. The big way that the scripture helps me, to be honest with you, the big way that I truly understand what love is in the scripture is that let me share what I did so that I can feel the true understanding of love. Look at the scripture again. What I did was I replaced the word love in my name. A long time ago, I read where someone did that and it touched me, and I decided to practice it for like a few years. I used this because I know that Jesus says love is what you need. That's the key to his kingdom. Love. So what I did was I start, I take out love and put my name, and I would encourage you to do the same. To practice this also. Let's practice it. So where it says love, I put my name. Listen. Sarita is patient and kind. Sarita is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. She does not demand her own way. She is not irritable and she keeps no record of being wrong. She does not rejoice about injustice but rejoice whenever the truth wins out. Sarita, never give up. Never lose faith, is always hopeful and endure to every transition. I challenge you this week to do the same. Test yourself. Grab 1 Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4 to 7. And here is what you do. If you find out that one of those really doesn't work for you right now, pray in it. For example, Sarita is patient and kind for me. That was a lie. I was kind, but I wasn't patient. I had to spend time praying and asking the Holy Spirit to help me to be patient. And we have to be honest when we do this. If you truly want to understand biblical love, honesty is really necessary. So when I replaced my name, I knew I wasn't patient. Even though I exist at the time with A U Land, I can have patient for anything. So I have to pray that that fruit was developing me. The fruit of patience. And so when you replace your name, be honest. Where are you not really there yet? But working on it. Are you still keeping record of being wrong? Are you still old and good? Then ask the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit, help me. Help me to let go of this. Help me to find peace. Help me to forgive those I am struggling with, not forgiving. If you do this, I guarantee you that the Holy Spirit will help you. But it just has to be honest. So I challenge you this week. Grab your Bible and read 1 Corinthians 14, 13, verses 4 to 7. Take out the word love and put your name there. Wherever it does not sound like you're doing it, wherever does not sound right, stop and pray. And ask God to help you through that so that you can do that. I thank you for watching this today. This episode that teaches that love is not a feeling, it's a covenant. What are your questions? What are your comments? Put it down into the chat and I will be there to answer you. Don't obey. It's okay. I'm hoping to hear all that you have to say. What is your idea of what your genuine love is? Babica lovers as a child of God. I hope this episode has helped you in a lot of ways. So before we completely pose, I would like to just ask you to join me as we close in prayer. Heavenly Father, I come before you today with thanksgiving in my heart. I thank you for your holy word in 1 Corinthians 13 and Rue chapter 6 to teach us all that we need to learn about what love is, a covenant to love. But most importantly, I thank you for your love, your example. You show us what real love is when you gave your son life for us. You dear son, show us exactly what love is when he died on the cross for our sin. We are not that strong, but we are trying to get there. So I ask that you will help us to make that place. I thank you for everyone who is praying with me right now. May you hope in their hearts so that they can experience the real love that comes from you. May you heal them from all the pain that they have experienced, where love was used as a tool to abuse, to shame, or to earth. We are trusting in the power of your healing, Lord. I pray, Oh Father God, for that person who's struggling with a different, difficult relationship, that may be in a toxic relationship, we're dealing with a dark spirit. Let them know that your light can shine through them, your love can cover them and keep them safe. I thank you, Lord God, for your healing that you are continually pouring out upon us. I thank you for your love. Teach us to love like you do, so that our world can be changed, our lives can be changed, and our relationship can be renewed. May you bless everyone who is praying with me right now. May you intervene in our hearts and open our hearts so that we can have real, genuine love like you want us to. Thank you for blessing us and for all the listeners on this episode. May you, all our God, keep working within our life. Through Jesus Christ our Lord, I pray. Amen. Amen. I thank you so much for joining me for this episode. Stay tuned for the next episode. And if you like this, share it with someone. Share it with someone and come back. And no matter what, remember, keep asking, keep seeking, and keep unpacking the truth. God bless you.